Dear Readers,
I have a confession to make.
Mom, if you’re reading this I suggest you close your laptop or put your iPad down now as this is one blog post you ain’t going to like.
I’ve been thinking long and hard over the past few weeks about my blog, my style of writing and the sort of content I produce. And I’ve a big, fat confession to make. Travel isn’t as pretty as I make it out to be and this wonderful life I’m living isn’t always the full picture.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s pretty graphic. Not only have I not written about this on my blog, or anywhere online, but I have not told a single soul until last night. I confessed to one of my best friends and my travel buddy, and now it’s time to confess to you.
I spent a week travelling in the Maldives (read: paradise) a few months ago, and my blog posts and photos would have you believe I woke up in some sort of real-life fantasy. The truth is a little different. On the day I was due to fly in a private seaplane to a luxury resort island (that I could not afford in a million years) I had the worst stomach cramps of my life. I was in so much pain I wasn’t sure if I should cancel my trip and check into the nearest hospital instead. As this is a recurring problem in my life, thanks to the fact that I simply cannot resist eating whatever local food is put in front of me, I decided to ignore the problem and get on the plane.
I was still excited beyond belief as it was my first time riding in a seaplane. I was in one the most beautiful countries on earth and my long nights of blogging and producing quality content landed me a free stay in a ridiculously fancy hotel. What should have been an incredibly special moment was ruined by the fact that I had the worst diarrhoea of my life and I was on a tiny plane…with no toilet!
I tried to snapchat, to take photos, to be a good blogger. My stomach started making noises so loud the couple in front of me, on their Honeymoon no doubt, actually asked if I was alright. The co-pilot (who was wearing shorts and flip-flops which he had taken off!) seeing my pain and my face turning a weird shade of grey, took my camera off me and took some incredible shots to remember this once-in-a-lifetime moment. I wanted a massive hole in the perfectly-blue ocean to open up and swallow me whole.
I’ve never in my whole life been so happy to get off an airplane. I was counting to 10 in my head, doing weird breathing techniques and praying to every God I’ve ever heard of to just let me not shit my pants in the Maldives. Let me get to my luxury villa, let me get to safety. I stepped off the boat and onto the most beautiful island I’ve ever seen.
And then my life as I knew it descended into darkness.
The manager, the assistant-manager, head chef and every other important person on the island was there to meet me, shake my hand, give me welcome drinks and discuss my “itinerary” for my stay. ITINERARY? I thought I was just getting a free stay now PLEASE show me to the room so I can curl up and die. I excused myself briefly, ran to the toilet in the restaurant temporarily relieved the pain.
Upon exiting, I was told I would be getting an hour-long complete tour of the island and resort. Kill me now. I finished the coconut I had been handed, tried to smile, crossed my legs and again prayed to every god out there that I would not shit myself on a tour of a 5-star resort in the Maldives. I tried to take photos, to be a good blogger. He asked if I wanted to get in the pool,the most insane infinity pool I’ve ever seen. I politely declined. He asked if I wanted to go snorkelling – the resort is home to one of the best dive sites in the Maldives…turtles, sharks, Nemo and a million other interesting tropical fish that I have no doubt would not welcome me into the water in my current state. No thank-you, I said.
I finally checked into my room, and discovered they left me an entire bottle of Champagne as a welcome gift. And chocolates, and fruit and that I could take whatever I wanted from the mini bar FREE OF CHARGE. The reality of my situation dawned on me and I sat on my luxury toilet in my 5-star villa and for the first time in my life I cried my eyes out while emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl.
Too graphic for you? Ahh but I’m not finished.
I was invited to dine with the Manager at dinner, but not before there would be drinks on the veranda. I stupidly didn’t stick to water like a sane person and had two glasses of wine instead. This resulted in me running to the bathroom three times during our dinner, just as the Manager was telling me about his family back home, his whole life story and how much he loved the Maldives.
Third time lucky, they say, and in my case I just didn’t make it the bathroom in time. It wasn’t much, nothing to write home about, but the reality is that I did indeed shit myself in paradise.
Like I said, life as a travel blogger isn’t as glamorous as you think!
Got any dirty travel stories? Leave a comment!
Oh you poor thing! I definitely had no idea while I was watching your snaps. And you did take some amazing photos!
Oh my. Reminded me of the time when I was walking on the Camino de Santiago, got cramps in my stomach and there was not a single bush to hide behind in those vast Spanish fields 😉 I somehow got to the village only to find most of the places were still closed at 10am – the owner of the one cafe that was luckily open was really worried when I spent ages in the bathroom and made me some herbal tea though 😉
I love travel, and live in Germany near Frankfurt currently, so I have easy access to so many beautiful places right now… and I learn lessons about what to do and not to do to assure great trips every time we travel! Love your blog, it is truly awesome….
This is awesome! I mean to read, not what actually happened to you. Sorry! We have all been there in some capacity or another! I have left my underwear in the trash of a bathroom while sneaking out in shame before! I am just glad you didn’t explode in the seaplane! I barfed my guts on a catamaran off the Napali Coast in front of the VP of my former company!
Hhahahahaha.. aww, I want to hug you after reading this. This sounds like something that would happen with me too. I almost shat in my pants at Boom festival when the toilet queue was very long.
Or even a puddle perhaps?
Jaysus, I meant a poddle not a poodle, OMG even more embarrassed now, stupid autocorrection.
Yes very, VERY bad timing but sure I lived to tell the (funny) tale!
Oh my goodness Eva – YOU WIN!! hahaha That sounds horrendous and almost bordering on dangerous – hope you surfaced safely!! What a nightmare!
Hahaha I’m go glad I’m not alone in those moments – I guess everyone has them but nobody talks about them? 😉
Hey Jay!
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment – it’s always appreciated so much. I’m so with you on bloggers always posting about the “sunshine” and never the rain – I know I even do this myself way too much. The reaction from this post, however, has given me the courage to think a little differently on how I write my blog posts from now on. I may even start a weekly confessions series haha. Any secrets you wish to share? 😉
I guess we’ve all been there at one stage!!
Haha! Hilarious girl… and I feel you! I got sick many times in Asia! !
Janet,
As a travel “Writer” not a blogger I was astounded to read this. Indeed we all have these crazy moments, but it was so awesome to read this honesty on your site. I think to many “bloggers” spend to much time posting about the “sunshine” of the life. Congratulations on coming out with such an honest story!
In my travels in our privately funded enterprise we often comment how other bloggers show the bright side but never the dark side, you just did just that.
Keep it real, maybe we will meet along the road someday
Jay from Jays Odyssey
Hahahah Janet I’m glad you’re okay, but I relate to this story like 1000%! I’ve shit my pants at many a glorious destination, so don’t feel bad at all!
Oh Janet, believe me it happens to all of us. I got the worst diarrhoea of my life during a dive in Croatia, I was so desperate to get to the shore that I performed an emergency ascent, while I was trying to make it to the shore safely I got caught by a wave and got smashed against the cliffs a couple of times. When I finally managed to get up the cliffs I realised it was too late and I had sh… into the rented wetsuite. Most embarrassing moment of my life, I found a little poodle out of sight and tried my best to wash it out, I got back to the hotel covered in bruises and beyond exhausted, needless to say that my diving instructor was quite mad at me.
You’re hilarious Janet! Haha! This made me laugh but of course I am so sorry it happened to you!!! Such a bad timing 🙁
Alice, I have no doubt in the world you have many a similar story haha
Girl, my mum was the same. She said she was SO worried when she started reading the post that she had to skip to the bottom to see what it was actually about and the couldn’t stop laughing at the reality. 😉
haha thanks, guess it does make for a funny story at least. Just hope the manager of the hotel does not read it ha
For sure Jamie – my memories of the Maldives will never fade hahaha
Haha aww thanks for the kind words, I think you’re my number 1 supporter! Loved your Peru story too!
Yes, I feel sometimes I forget to put “me” to into my posts! Must try do that a little more often from now on 🙂
I’m beginning to get that impression – some people even emailed me this “confessions” already haha
Bwahahaha. Glad I read this after dinner! Thanks for keeping it real!
Ah, Janet. I was prepared for the worst. I am glad it was ‘just’ bad food or something. It sucks though and I have been tehre a couple of times. One time I even thought I might die in the outback because even while on a drip, I was terrinbly dehydrated and didn’t keep any liquid in me. A Swedish traveller once gave me the tip of getting ducoral for cholera prevention. It puts bacteria in your stomach that make you more resistant against food poisoning.
I am sure it was a horrible experience at the moment ( we all have our personal ones) but in hindsight it made the whole trip even more memorable….somehow :-)))) I really enjoyed the style of story telling. You are good at this girl!
Janet! OMG that sounds horrible! I’m sure we all have had something similar happen to us. I mean when nature calls, you gotta answer, ya know? Haha ! Welp, guess you’ll never forget The Maldives!
OMG!!! And this is why you’re an amazing blogger! We have enough fairy tales, we need real life experiences, even if they come in shades of brown 😛 Btw, this happened to me in Peru too…, “shit happens” I guess 😛
Janet, I’m so glad to see you share a more personal story! I’m sorry this happened, but hey, it’s great writing material isn’t it?! ❤️
Haha… well, these things happen 😛